I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
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Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
All excellent questions
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys