Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
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The funk soul brother
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.