Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
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Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
crazy
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers