*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…