Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.