When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?