If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Woke up against my better judgement again
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you