I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 馃檨
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I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I鈥檓 a ghost bear!
God: you aren鈥檛 a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that鈥檚 just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
I received a lovely Valentine鈥檚 Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it鈥檚 the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I鈥檓 not really my type, so the relationship won鈥檛 go anywhere.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Social Media and Real life
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
My son just started telling me about a new Pok茅mon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Feels
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
Important Valentine鈥檚 Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they鈥檙e under three, melee weapons only!
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people鈥攖hat life鈥檚 not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I鈥檇 say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy鈥攚ho’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Friend鈥檚 Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday鈥檚?
Me: well I don鈥檛 spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that鈥檚 for sure
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.