I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.