I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
want me to check your oil?
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky