him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Ok who’s got my black socks?
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
just leave it at the foot of the bed
