why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?