if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!