me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….