Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.