Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
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My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.