If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.
I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.
Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.
Did you ever have your parents hand you some cash, drop you off at the fair, and tell you they’ll pick you up in 8 hours? Work is the opposite of that.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.