I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”