some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
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This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
I am HOWLING at this
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening