lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo