The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
You Might Also Like
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Why am I like this?
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns