*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
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Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.