My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
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Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
me, too, girl. me, too.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.