[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found