My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
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Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Well, that didn’t work.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.