The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
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My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
This will never not be funny to me.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.