*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat