My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me