Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)