Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts