stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
who named him groot and not spruce lee
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today