Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
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Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.