“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
You Might Also Like
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.