me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
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With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park