My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.