Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold