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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt