Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
You Might Also Like
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself