Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
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Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
The Compass
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Breaking news:
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.