“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
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Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice