“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
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Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
From my Mom
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.