Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
You Might Also Like
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.