Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon