When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
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[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too