Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.