Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.