Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer