My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.