I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.