The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on